Portraitophobia

I think I am genetically incapable of enjoying having my picture taken. My grandma famously threw away most photos of herself, and I am very successful in almost never letting any get taken in the first place. Occasionally, like yesterday, it's unavoidable, and when it is, I behave so immaturely and ridiculously that you'd think I had two heads, or a permanent clown nose, or I don't even know what. My sister says that after a certain age she thinks your house starts to say much more about you than your own appearance does. I totally believe this, though my house is currently a total disaster, but that's a pretty accurate reflection, actually, because I am pretty stressed out this week. I mean month.

I had to take my own picture yesterday and I learned so much about myself, it was really great. Like, I probably wouldn't have known, had I not taken four hundred pictures of myself, that, on top of my many other problems, I have the frizzies, a lazy eye, and now apparently am growing a fricking beard. GRATE. These are two of the only pictures that I liked, and they actually don't look anything like me, so that fits in with my plan rather nicely. I call the above my "I'm gonna git you" look.

This is my coquettish, "I'm pretending to flirt with someone in the second balcony when really I'm in a messy room alone with a self-timer-set camera two feet from my face." Ah, photo shoots. What we don't see! Must get that remote shutter snapper. I had to get up every single time and reset the timer. I must have walked two miles total, back and forth. On second thought, I hopefully won't have to take any more pictures of myself for another ten years or so, so why bother. When Andy got home last night I showed him the pictures and he said, "Jeez, how many times did you change your clothes?" I think five. When I went back upstairs at the end of the day, there were clothes all over the bedroom. So silly.

I wish my grandma hadn't thrown away her pictures. I guess my dad was really upset with her for doing that. It's weird how a picture of someone eventually becomes so, I don't know, accurate, somehow, and so . . . not exactly. It's like Click! A fraction of a second, and there you are. Ish. But I'm always so grateful, years later, that I have them, those split-seconds on paper. Now on screen, I guess. Should really print stuff out more.

Andy's grandparents made this videotape of old movies of the grandchildren at every Christmas and birthday. And throughout the years in every one of them, no matter whose birthday or what Christmas, there is tiny Andy Paulson, hopping straight up and down. I get teary every time I see it, and even just thinking about it now. Waiting to open presents, Andy's hopping up and down. In the background while his cousin opens presents, Andy hopping up and down. Getting ready to see what kind of pop will be served, Andy hopping up and down. Someone else's new toy train, Andy off in the distance, hopping up and down. It's seconds, maybe minutes at the most, of footage — and yet is says everything about him now, to me, probably to anyone who knows him. The kid's excitement about anything, just pinging straight out the bottoms of his feet, lifting him right off the ground, those happy little arcs of joy.

One time at another party a few years ago, we had a house full of people. When my sister arrived, she'd brought some pictures from Easter. I was looking through them, and I saw this person who just looked so, so awful. I can't describe it but it was bad. I was thinking, "Jeez, who is that?" and in the same split-second I realized it was me, screamed at the top of my lungs, grabbed the picture, ran into the bathroom, slammed the door so hard I can't even tell you, and then a huge framed picture (not of me) fell off the wall and crashed into a million pieces in the hallway (loud). That pretty much brought the party to a screeching halt — no one had any idea what was going on. Except my sister who says she knew exactly what I had, in horror, just realized — that that was really me. Oh man, we laughed so, so hard. I was just doubled over laughing in the bathroom and she was in the hall, laughing just as hard, trying to get me to come out. But I had decided to never come out again. You will never see that picture, trust me.

Comments

[chez shoes]

How funny, I share your portraitophobia - yet I work in the photography industry. In fact, I'm successfully avoiding a photographer's camera as I type!

I like the two self-portraits you posted. Looks like you're getting well-acquainted with big black :)

[CrystalT]

You look maaaaaaaarvoulous!!

[Lilli]

Wow. Not only are you insanely talented and smart and funny, but Beautiful too. You have gorgeous eyes and a serene smile :)

I too am frequently underwhelmed by photos of myself. I don't think I look like how I feel inside. What I feel like is a 10 yr-old girl who is wise beyond her years. Often when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I'm surprised that I'm clearly older than a 10-yr-old. Nothing wrong with that. If I'm to age the way I want, I will always be young at heart, even in my 90s. No chance that I'll look like a little girl then, but it's how one feels that counts :)

[Ivy Mae]

Yay, a self-portrait! It's nice to see the face behind all the amazing-ness on this site. Just be thankful that you don't have (like me) a photographer for a husband... Flickr now has way to many pictures of me making coffee with bedhead and backwards pajamas.

[Jess]

My image in my minds eye, the person I see in the mirror and person in pictures never match. I like these pictures though.

[mathaphobic]

I also hate photos of myself but am trying to be more accepting of myself captured forever looking hopefully not to greasy, jowly, crabby or half asleep with the weird eye business. I have also worked as a reporter who had to take photos of people who hated it. I always commiserated while being secretly glad I was not on the business end of the lens. My sympathies.

However, your photos look fabulous. I see no beard so you either shaved it or made it up. I'm assuming the latter. :) Have a great day now that picture day is over.

[Betty @ She's Sew Pretty]

I think you are very pretty, but, I hate the camera too. I think I'm much prettier in person ;o)
Love the story about Andy. I can just imagine the little guy jumping up and down...cute!

[Carmen]

linda historia de un retrato, te ves bella, para mi fue igual hace unos dias retratandome, NO ERA YO!!!

[claire]

Maybe the pictures aren't how you see yourself, but I bet they are how everyone else sees you. Pretty, playful, sweet, fun...I really love these pictures of you, Alicia.

Halloween last year we took some imprmptu family pictures and I ended up looking so great in them it actually made me feel weird, like they weren't really me (funny how the same feeling came over me as when I see a truly awful "who is that?" pic).

Maybe these incredible pictures of us are what our friends and family and loves see and the camera caught it accurately for once. Just think of all the photoshoots we have done where we say "crap, that quilt/flower/brooch/dress/etc looks so much better in person. The picture just dosen't do them justice"

Well, dear. Pictures just don't do us justice.

[michele]

very pretty pictures of you, alicia! i like the way you cropped them. you have beautiful eyes. self-portraiture in any media is a wonderful way to really search your soul and start loving and understanding yourself. also, a way to show others the "real" you.

[Mim Stella]

I have a bad self image and hate photo's of myself usually, but at Thanksgiving I had a shot of myself (head only of course) with all my girls cousins who I think are beautiful (and very skinny). When I saw the photo I sent it to my hubby with a statement of " Hey I look pretty good in this photo" and his comment back was "that's because you're the best looking!. Wasn't that the sweetest thing that a hubby could say?
You're pictures are beautiful - and very expressive.

[salina]

Reading your post made me think of The Bird & The Bee's 'I hate camera', I think you'd love all the sentiments in that song.

[Andrea]

You are just lovely. I especially like the second shot- I'm always shocked at how tired and plump I look in photos. I think I have a reverse case of body dysmorphia where I think I look great but then WHOA get the photographic evidence to the contrary. In my niece's wedding photos I look like I am shaped like a hen.

You, on the other hand, look beautiful.

[Erin D.]

Alicia, you shouldn't be scared, you are so pretty! What a pretty smile, your sweet and funny personality shines right through!

Oh, that story about Andy is so sweet! I love the pics and stories of my Hubby when he was a kid.

I understand, I do not like getting my picture taken, with the new digicams I will make someone take my pic several times till one looks okay! lol. Usually one out of ten will look okay. Oh my do I really look like that? :O0

Oh, and I laughed about the outfit changes! :O)

[Heather Bond]

I'm with you on the photophobia.

I think you look awesome! Very smart and a bit sassy and mature in the VERY BEST way - like Bette Davis or Katharine Hepburn, someone who could handle anything. Really lovely.

[barbara]

oh alicia, tu est vraiment belle :) just like your wonderful blog - it is so nice to put a face to the source of so much inspiration x

[sappmama]

This is such an evocative post.

My mother's mother was famous for cutting herself out of photographs.

We used to attend church together every Sunday. One Sunday, when I was about 5, someone took a Polaroid of us standing outside, next to someone's car. I am chubby-cheeked and patient. My grandmother is...not there. She cut herself out years ago.

She died right before my 14th birthday. Now, at nearly 41, I sometimes forget some aspect of her physical appearance.

Every time I see that picture, I really, really wish she hadn't cut herself out, leaving me there holding some phantom hand and here wondering how she looked, who she was, on that day.

Grimace and rail if you must, but always take the picture. Someday someone will need a roadmap back to you.

[Teresa Sheeley]

It's so sweet to see the face behind all of this talent!! You should consider stepping in front of that camera more often :) Just say "cheese"!! You're adorable!!

Teresa

[Erin]

I'm all smiles and misty eyes now because I know...oh, how I know...

[Blair]

Oh I just love them, you look so perfectly Alicia, and at the same time you're describing so well how I feel about having my picture taken. Not until I really studied photos of myself did I realize that my face is totally asymmetrical. Sort of like Brian Williams, but not in a cute way. But listen, you got it, they look great!

[jen]

You look fab! Hopefully after my diet, (gets started), I might finally have the guts to be photographed. YOU ARE MY HERO!!!!!! :)

[patty]

I know what you mean about the beard!! How come no one tells us about these things??!!

About the self portrait, I feel the same way. You only have a few pictures throughout your life that you feel really look like you right? It's because they are the few that captured the spirit of YOU. You create magical pictures that capture the spirit of the situation, place, thing. Have someone take a bazillion pictures of you in your lovely house with your lovely yard, dog and your Andy and your spirit will come blazing out, like it does in this blog. Happy Thursday ;)

[Natalea]

Oh! I'm glad you put those pictures of yourself up! They are really nice! Nothing not to like there, but I feel the same way about my own pictures. I'm generally pretty happy when I look in the mirror, but when a moment is captured in a picture it just never lives up to what you think you look like! Funny how people go through pictures and always stop on the ones of themselves and spend so much time analyzing them! As though trying to figure out everything about that person- like they are someone totally new to them! I'm scared when I think that that's how everyone sees me! Agh. Well thank you so much for sharing your phobia! There's a ton of us that can relate! I'm going to try to take some more pictures of myself now! N-

[Chelle]

and you are every bit as lovely a lady as I imgained you'd be...but that's not suprising because someone who keeps a delighful blog, full of rosy little things would have to be beautiful.

[carlene]

Great, great stories! Thanks so much for them.

My husband's childhood home movies...there he is, focused intently on the intricacy of the bow on a present...a piece of cake...his mother's face. Then in comes his older sister, bouncing up and down a la little Andy. Little Tony looks up, squinting, brow furrowed. Wha? What the heck?

Exactly the same, even today.