Days of Woolen Roses

I miss school. I wish I had paid better attention. I wish I had realized then that I really would care, years later, about what I was learning. I would do all of my classes over again, every one of them. I wonder how different it would be, a second time. I'd like to do all the friendships again, too. I'd be nicer this time, a better listener. I wouldn't worry as much, or be so blazingly self-centered. I remember going back to the dining hall one night to apologize to someone, an older friend, for being really obnoxious over dinner. I felt that it had been an unusual situation, but my friend looked at me like he couldn't believe I was actually apologizing and said, "Well, Ali, you're always totally obnoxious." Eeeyikes. I'd take more pictures. I have so few from back then.

I was not eager to leave college, or for anyone else to leave. When my roommates graduated a year ahead of me we bawled our heads off in the street in front of our little house when their parents came to pick them up. I'm sure mine thought we had completely lost our minds. I howled as if my life were over. I floundered terribly for quite a while after graduation. I really didn't know what I wanted to do, other than be a student. I had never known. So I waitressed for two years post-graduation. I was so reluctant to become one "thing." I absolutely could not imagine what it was I was supposed to be. I had a bachelor's degree in English, but I'd never thought about what I'd do with it; I actively avoided thinking about what I'd do with it, for fear that someone would tell me to change my major to something practical like elementary education, or speech pathology. We didn't really talk about things like what to do with an English major at our school. The world after school was not a big part of our world at school; I hardly knew anyone who had plans. I knew English and art history majors, philosophy students and potters. I didn't know practical people, business majors, or people in pre-med. I remember thinking occasionally, "Shouldn't I be getting an internship or something? Wait, what is an internship, anyway?" I think things are different right now; the economy is much worse, for one thing, so people don't go to college in a vacuum like that, maybe. But back then, at that school, we were allowed to indulge in the liberal arts for their own sake, and I don't regret that. I just wish I could remember more of what I learned.

Somewhere in those two waitressing years I took a train trip out west, to Montana, to visit a friend from high school who was living in Missoula. Amy picked me up at night, in Whitefish, a trainstop-town not far from Glacier Park, and we spent the night in sleeping bags with her dog on a big rock sticking out into Flathead Lake. She knew this trick: If your friend has never been to Montana before, you walk her out to the rock at night, when it's impossible to see the lake or the mountains, anything but the beautiful stars and moon. And in the morning she wakes up to the most incredible view — the gorgeous cerulean water, the snowcapped mountains, her sleeping bag just feet from the edge of the rock. It's the moment when she, as a girl from the prairies of Illinois, says, "Gotta live in Montana now, I guess!" Amy knew, cause it had happened to her. So I went back to school there for a while. I loved graduate school, too, but it was not the same as that first time. I didn't like living in a college town, where everyone was always just passing through. Andy and I left for a place we could settle, and stay.

What any of this has to do with wool flower pins I don't know. Nothing. Except the sweater-weather this weekend as I made these was crisp, bright, cool. I could smell leaves. It felt like the best days at school, the ones when you thought you could stay forever, when the light on the glass floor in the library was magical, when we'd fire up the wood kiln at the pottery studio and drink beer and roast potatoes while babysitting it overnight, when someone was discovering that they liked you and you could just tell.

See, darling Emily, 23, I think it's true: There is no solution. Seek it lovingly.

Comments

[Laura]

Yes yes yes to everything you've said, except that instead of Augustana-Montana-Portland I was Wesleyan-Boulder-Boston. I do think it was, as they say, a different time. I don't think I'd trade it.

And those wool flowers make me weep with yearning.

[Chris Howard]

My idea of hell is to be forced back into high school algebra (seriously, I've had nightmares). That being said, I LOVED college too, and I hated to leave it. I was lucky enough to go to college in the quintessential college town where the living was cheap and the fun times were easy. When Les and I were forced to finally grow up and leave we moved to Atlanta where everything seemed so expensive and fast paced and cold and alien. We lost the huge network of college friends that everyone seems to have. They were were replaced by middle aged career type co-workers that had kids closer to our age. It was a very lonely, lonely time for a struggling young couple.

I'll see your English degree and raise you a BA in Anthropology.

[emily]

Oh my dear...what a post!

What little it all has or doesn't have to do with woolen flowers, there are quite a few little tears waiting behind my eyes now. You and your thoughts are a treasure, Alicia, 37.

[Denial]

Love the flower pins! Tell me how can I buy those!!!!

[Lilli]

I was born during my parents' final year at Yale, and loved growing up in a campus town. It was no surprise that I would go to university, but funnily enough I was never sure of what I wanted to do until I was about 32. By then I had been teaching music for 16 yrs, and when I realized that I loved teaching, I already had a lot of experience under my belt.

The wisdom of hindsight. It appears we can't have youth and wisdom at the same time :)

Love the flower pretties!

[Jecca]

I distinctly remember wondering, the week after college graduation, "So . . . what do I do now?" And then out of the haze, it came to me: "Well, I guess I'd better get a job." And I bought the newspaper that Sunday and went from there.

[Selena]

My college years were only 2 years long but my memories consists of journal writing, eating top ramen raw with the seasoning sprinkled over it and walking on the beach. I don't think I would do the classes again for love nor money but I enjoyed life around college and I loved living near the Redwoods. Sometimes I think I am 10 years behind and am really living my college years now as a 30 year old. I'm certainly learning more now than I did back then.

[Beth]

OMG, did we go to the same school. Oh wait, you were in Illinois and I was at Oklahoma State U. This sounds all familiar. If I had it all to do over again. Funny thing, I would get some type of art degree not my Biology/Microbiology degree, which goes well with your living in a vaccuum statement. I took what I liked, not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.... If only we knew... I miss the days of going to Botany lab and then heading off to Eskimo Joes for beer and burgers with our little group from class. I miss my walk across Theta pond in the fall with all of the leaves falling and those damn obnoxious geese that tried to nip at the back of your legs, yes I do even miss them. I miss living in my apartment with my best friend Glenna. I cannot believe we thought it was so rough when we had to have an 8:30 class on MWF... if we had only known.

I think if I had it all to do over again, I would pay way more attention in class, study a heck of a lot more and really nuture the friendships that have faded with time.

I love your little flowers. They are wonderful!

[amy h]

I remember trying to memorize feelings and surrounding while I was in college because I just loved it so much. I didn't ever want to leave. I, too, was an English major and ended up editing. I started off in something more practical, but if you don't love it, what's the point? I've just discovered the kilns, and I'm loving it -- never stop learning! You might not remember everything, but I think you learn so much from just the process.

[Beth]

P.S. I hung around OSU for one year after graduation, ummmm, waitressing at Hideaway Pizza and working in the mail room Eskimo Joes. So, know exactly that putting off what you can do tomorrow feeling.

[daria]

the color of the sky in fall is always what reminds me of the best times in school. I made it to very-nearly-PhD in English before I left, & sometimes I wish I remembered more too (although I think I'm probably more fun to be around now that I'm not so invested in critical theory). but when it was amazing, it was really amazing.

(those pins are lovely!)

[Alison]

Wow, I've got delightful goosebumps now, remembering my own vicarious experiences through reading of yours.

And I, too, regret my lack of retained college learning, but what I don't regret is how I became a stronger, deeper, more singular person because of those classes and college, regardless of the number of facts that I retained.

Thank you (as always).

[melissa f.]

i ended semesters bawling, too. it might've had something to do with getting dumped most every may and june.

but that doesn't have anything to do with this post either.

[beki]

Oh, how I wish I could go back to visit my college days. I wouldn't want to relive them, just pop in from time to time. I really did enjoy them, though I wish I hadn't been so serious. But best of all, I met my husband during those precious years.

Those pins are just darling. They make me want to stop what I'm doing right this moment to make some.

[cindy k]

Sometimes (often), I feel as confused now about what I want to be when I grow up, as I did then. It doesn’t really make sense to me to ask someone to “commit” to something like how they plan on spending the rest of their lives career-wise at such a young age.

I was definitely a late bloomer academically and didn't even think about going to college until my sophomore year in high school, and neither did my parents. At that point, I turned into a compulsive studier. But, I also had to work, commute to college and took a ridiculous 18 credits per semester. I could have used a rose then to stop and smell for sure. I also worried a lot then and still do – I wish I could change this part the most – ugh!

For some strange reason I took a lot of art classes even though I wasn't particularly artistic and my majors were in sociology/criminal justice. Now, art is more in line with what I'd like to spend my time on, so I’m glad I took the classes – fate perhaps.

I loved your post and those gorgeous flowers. Perhaps the significance of the rose is that it is fleeting just like many things in life?

Cheers ... Cindy

[Gemma]

I had a troubled educational life which culminating in my "dropping out" of University. Through those turbulent times there was a line from the film Reality Bites that stuck with me. "The only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself." I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't had the difficulties that I had back then and I am happy to be able to say that finally at the age of 27 I truly am myself.

[Jill]

Hi Alicia,

Thanks for the e-mail about the link on your website for places to visit while in Portland. So far this city is fabulous :) The architecture here is beautiful! As for this post I can relate to what you are saying, I'm actually doing exactly what you are talking about right now - going back to school for a second time. My first time around was a whirl and I didn't focus on my studies nearly as much as I would have liked. Now that I am in school a second time around I am learning everything I can, but it's never the same from a social perspective - the students are there in their youthful world experiencing 1st relationships and drinking too much and not caring so much about their school work - you warn them but they never listen - but maybe they shouldn't listen because I wouldn't trade those years of my life for anything - so hopeful, fun, and full of mystery.

Jill

[lorriane]

I love those wool flower pins!! Are they difficult to make? We are always looking for a craft to make for our church bazaar and I think the ladies could have a great workshop afternoon churning out those pins. Is it possible to give us a quick online tutorial?
Love your bloq...read it daily!

[Mama Urchin]

I went to a liberal arts college with a long history and I totally know that feeling of an Autumn day that you are talking about. My reunion is this weekend, I'm hoping to find a quiet spot and catch that feeling again.

[Angela Rand]

At the risk of gushing.... I just have to say that I LOVE your artwork and your postings. Everyday i wonder what you will write about and what cute and adorable creatures you will have made. From one English major to another (why didnt' someone stop me before I went to grad school for English lit?)you are using the best of all your talents. Your blog and way of life inspire me to slow down and love the creation process. Thanks for the precious lovelies that you make.

[Kai]

I love the title of your post - the play on words. So fitting.

I loved imagining you waking up to all that scenery on your rock...good stuff.

Kai

[Veronica TM]

I identify with so many things you say here. It is amazing how that happens being that I grew up in Buenos Aires and went to school there. I guess we are all much more simillar than we think. Thank you for this and all your posts.
The flowers are beautiful!

[jenney]

The Montana thing happened to me when I went to Santa Cruz. The college/tourist town feel got old after a decade and we left, but with fond memories and few regrets.

Unlike you, I did a BS in geology. I'd studied drama and music, but failed those majors and so I moved on to something easier, something where the answer is either right or wrong and where talent matters less.

I don't regret marrying my fabulous husband or having any of our six daughters. But I do wonder what it would have been like if I had studied art or english and what I'd have to offer my family now, instead. Would I be Loobylu? :) Probably not!

[Anna Maria]

The wool flower pins got you thinking, dreaming, reminiscing. I have recently discovered that cooking, particularly baking - which I rarely do - takes me off into another world of thoughts and memories. I like it. Bet you do too.

[Tracy]

Love those woolly flower pins! They have such pretty colors, like cake decorations--food for the eyes at least. *SIGH* School days...I miss school too. And like yourself, I wish I could do it all over again. My 15th high school reunion was last month, but because I live so far, I didn't go, and that was ok. I'm still in touch with some school friends these years on, so the reunion didn't do much for me. It's the learning I miss, that structured learning every day. But I love my life, and see every day as a learning opportunity. Life is sweet! Happy Days! :o)